You know what you want to achieve. You have a goal you've set. Motivation is high; a plan is set; a timeline is organized. And then you do the one thing you didn't want to do, and you set yourself back, and you can't seem to get where you want to go.
Maybe you want to lose weight but you keep stopping for fast food. Or you want to get in shape but you keep staying too late at work or sleeping in too late in the morning and it keeps you from getting to the gym. Or you want to be in a relationship with someone but you keep picking the same wrong kind of person. Or you want to make healthy choices for your body but you keep partaking in that substance that's harmful. Or you want to make a lot of money but you keep putting off your brilliant work plan. Or you want to get your project done but you keep wasting time watching tv or on the socials.
There is a name for this-- because a lot of us do it-- and it's called Self Sabotage.
Why we self-sabotage
Growth is hard. Leaving what we know and moving towards uncertainty is psychologically painful. Change IS uncomfortable, period. Change has to be a conscious effort; our default is to stay the same. We can get settled in scenarios that produce displeasure just because it’s familiar. Knowing what to anticipate is easier than fearing the unknown. As humans we typically strive for homeostasis and change is often the opposite of that!
We believe that a negative outcome is more likely than a positive outcome, which is called Negativity Bias. It is a cognitive bias that the potential for a negative outcome has a greater effect on our psychological state and processes than if we think neutral or positive things will happen. From an evolutionary standpoint, this is a safe way to live and think and probably kept our ancestors alive! However it's not super helpful when trying to lose weight, for instance. This can look like believing that losing weight will create unhappiness because I won't be able to eat my favorite foods, or I'll always be hungry, or I will get left out of social joys, etc. It can also be more insidious: trying to lose weight will reactivate that dormant eating disorder, or losing weight will make me look more attractive and something bad could happen to me.
We make an overall judgment that something is going to be awful or miserable because of one prior experience or situation. Example: Recording my daily eating in a food journal for accountability is going to be miserable because the last diet I tried made me feel horrible, hungry, and deprived.
For better or worse, we tend to have loyalty to what we've given so much of our TIME and ENERGY to, even if it’s not what’s best for us. This is called the "sunk cost fallacy", which means that we have the tendency to continue with an endeavor or behavior or belief that we have invested our efforts and time into, even if the benefits don't outweigh the costs.
What we’ve always believed is very difficult to change. Many of our behaviors that self-sabotage are based on beliefs we've had for most of our lives, and we most likely aren't even aware of them! We all have programs running automatically in the background inside of our brains. They are changeable, but we have to recognize them and then create new programs to replace them.
Accurate self-reflection and self-assessment of our weak spots is very difficult because we have a lot of defense mechanisms built in to protect ourselves from pain. This is normal and helpful in a lot of ways, but can also prevent us from progress and is something to be aware of.
We may have an unconscious belief that we don't deserve to be too happy, and/or we have a low self-esteem which creates negative self-fullfilling prophesies. Similarly, we may be subconsciously self-punishing by preventing success or happiness.
Remember, as Paul teaches in Romans 7, we can often find ourselves in conflict between what we want and what we think we want. Self-sabotage almost always has at least an element of this; there are things about our goal that we don’t want and things about our self-sabotage that we do want.
The self-sabotaging behaviors are coping mechanisms that are still in use! This is a very powerful one! The behaviors you are continuing to perform despite their destructive qualities are helping or benefitting you in some way, you don't have any replacements on deck, and so you feel scared and dreadful about losing the ability to cope.
We have a fear of failure and/or a fear of success. Fearing either will subconsciously cause us to choose behaviors that will prevent progress. It's easy to fail to even try if you dread the potential outcome.
We are almost. definitely. romanticizing. the. bad. habit. The things about the habit that you believe are enjoyable, lovely, or fun might be way blown out of proportion.
What can we do about it?
Become AWARE. I know this is kind of an annoying step, but it's the most important one! You cannot fix anything you cannot see. Learn the thoughts that are occurring around the behavior. Think about your thinking. Start to develop mindfulness in the moments before, during, and after the sabotaging event. Think about it, get curious and dissect the sabotage after it happens.
Challenge your negative beliefs. Take some time to write every negative belief you think could be causing you to want to self-sabotage, and really think through them. You'll probably realize you can let go of some of those negative thought patterns (that are most likely years old) and believe some newer, more accurate and more helpful things. Be objective, make pros and cons lists, and take the time to do this work!
Realize that like most things, the more you practice, the easier it will get! Often when we first try and implement a new habit or quit an old habit, it's hard. This causes us to not want to continue, or not to even start at all. But most things in life get easier with practice, not harder. Remind yourself often that it won’t always be as hard as it is now.
Be honest with yourself about the pros and the cons of the behavior so you can begin to remove the romanticizing around it.
Realize how powerful you are. Sometimes we get discouraged and we start believing we can't achieve our goal or that we can't get a handle on our bad habits. Negativity births more negativity, and we need some good energy and positive beliefs to help create change. Nothing on earth is more powerful than the human brain, and you have one! Tap into some of your own power!
Realize that your past has NOTHING to do with your future. What has happened before is not proof of what is going to happen in the future.
Stay tuned for some more info coming soon to help specifically with the self-sabotaging we do around food and weekend eating!
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